Ame

Baby #6 Part two of two

here, i blur into you
(a love letter to my best friend)
ribs, lorde | kigiom | trista mateer | memorial bench for judy, from janice, source unknown | emma, jane austen | from a letter to doris dana, gabriela mistral | written on the body, jeanette winterson | sunsbleeding | friends, bts (jimin + taehyung) | we were girls together, delaney bailey

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deviika:

Blythe Baird // Dave Eggers

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aidashakur:

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creativepromptsforwriting:

Dialogue Responses Masterlist
“Where do we go from here?” (x)
“You tell me.”
“I wish I knew.”
“Why do you ask me?”
“I honestly don’t know.”
“The only way is forward.”
“Hopefully to a better place.”
“Back to where we came from.”
“We need to leave the past behind.”
“Oh, but I’m horrible with directions.”
“Doesn’t matter, as long as we’re together.”

“I miss you.” (x)
“I miss you too.”
“It’s just temporary.”
“I wish you were here.”
“We’ll see each other again.”
“Well, that’s too bad for you.”
“Just a few more days, I promise.”
“One day, I won’t have to leave again.”
“The truth is, I don’t miss you anymore.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t change that right now.”
“This wasn’t the last time we’ve seen each other.”

“It doesn’t matter.” (x)
“Maybe not.”
“It matters to me!”
“Maybe not to you.”
“But you do matter!”
“It used to matter to you.”
“You just don’t know it yet.”
“But it will matter, believe me.”
“Well, I would say it does matter.”
“You can’t hide behind this facade forever.”
“Don’t you see that there are people who care?”

“How are you?” (x)
“Fine.” (A lie)
“I’m fine.” (Honest)
“I have been better.”
“Not that bad actually.”
“Why would you even care?”
“I’ve been feeling worse before.“
“I feel like I should ask you that.”
“Well, it’s so nice of you to ask…”
“I’m doing quite well at the moment.”
“Probably a lot better than you look like.”

"I need your help.” (x)
“Where’s the body?”
“What’s the problem?”
“You never ask for help.”
“You can always count on me.”
“Tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”
“You know I will always help you.”
“Why does that sentence scare me?”
“That’s a sentence I have heard before.”
“Why do I feel like this is more than a small favour?”
“It seems to be important, if you are willing to ask me.”

“What do you need?” (x)
“You.”
“A hug.”
“Motivation.”
“I just don’t know.”
“Fresh air to breathe.”
“Some tissues, please.”
“Nothing you could give me.”
“Just a very small favour, I promise.”
“A small moment to just be by myself.”
“Silence, but that seems too much to ask for.”

“I have a plan.” (x)
“Finally!”
“Tell me what to do.”
“Alright, let’s hear it.”
“Can’t make things worse.”
“Hopefully it’s a good one.”
“I’m scared to find out what it is.”
“Does it involve staying unharmed?”
“Great, now we’re even more screwed.”
“Why do you sound so happy about that?”
“Great timing, because we desperately need one.”

“There is something I wanted to tell you…” (x)
“I’m listening.”
“And here we go…”
“Don’t even bother.”
“Let’s get it over with…”
“Stop being so ominous.”
“You’re making me nervous.”
“I already know. And I do too.”
“Psst. You don’t need to say it.”
“Why do you look at me like that?”
“I think I already know where this is going.”

“What is wrong with you?” (x)
“It’s a long story.”
“Very good question.”
“Oh, so many things.”
“Too many things to count.”
“Well, thank you for asking…”
“I’m tired of defending myself.”
“Don’t act like I’m the problem!”
“How much time do you have?”
“Do you really want to find out?”
“Nothing, but what is wrong with you?”

“Do you feel better now?” (x)
“A tiny bit.”
“I feel worse.”
“Yes, thank you.”
“Surprisingly yes.”
“Not even a little bit.”
“Would you feel better?”
“I don’t even know anymore.”
“Actually yes, I do feel better.”
“Yes, but stop laughing at me.”
“I don’t think I will ever feel better again.”
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inkskinned:

i’m used to it, and how bad it is, and how often it’s so bad that it rings like a bell inside of me, drowning out everything around me. and the truth is that i get frustrated with myself about it - again? we’re like this still? again? it’s not that i feel weak, precisely. it’s just this sense almost like - i’ve already been pushing against this thing for years now, shouldn’t i have gained more ground?
i get frustrated because i’m sick of picking up the loose ends every six months. i get frustrated because it’s always this same shit, same problem - i lose myself in a matter of months; spiral out of control, lose touch with friends and loved ones. i stop taking care of myself and therapy gets hard and i let everything around me wilt and shrivel and fall off; start somehow both sleeping too much and not-enough. i panic-attack and cry in my car in a target parking lot, pulling my hair out and hurting my ribs from sobbing so hard - and later, when i’m better, i’m embarrassed because how could i let it get that far?
it feels like - i already have done this so many times. isn’t there a way out of it? isn’t there a point where i’ve just… won? that it never happens again, that i just get to be done? maybe this is weakness, i guess - that i still (so often!) succumb.
i am used to it, so i forget exactly how hard it gets. do you even know how many times i’ve laid in bed, exhausted, blank and numb and listless and said - i can’t anymore. i just can’t. i’m not even really upset. it’s okay. i’ve been here long enough. so much of my life was beautiful…. i’m just… done.
do you know how many times i woke up and i said - i can’t and put my feet on the floor and said i can’t, i don’t want to and took a shower and walked the dog and bought myself fresh bread and put a nice playlist on and said i really can’t, there’s no end to this and i went to work and i called a friend and i made myself cookies even if food tasted like ashes and decided that i really should wait for the new album from that artist i love and i thought i can’t, it’s not worth it and then i washed my hands and cut my hair and drank more water and wrote a poem and signed up for an art class at the local community college and said i can’t, i can’t, i won’t do this again, and i paid my rent and let the dishes rot in the sink but still made myself eat anything fresh even if it meant overdrawing my account on a stupid bag of plums just because they looked delicious and do you know how often i closed my eyes and thought this is it i really fucking can’t, something has to give and i have nothing left that it can take and then i went to bed and i got up and i fucking survived anyway
yesterday the local ice cream place opened up for the first time this season and they were giving out tiny samples of their new dairy-free options and i tried a mango sorbet. three months ago i was positive that februrary was going to be my last month on the planet. i am teaching my dog a new trick and i just discovered a new band i love. i got a plant from the clearance aisle and repotted her and she’s been perking up. i made salmon for alison and we ate it in her new house with her new beautiful baby girl. my manager told me he keeps recommending my work to others just because i always include a stupid number of puns. tomorrow i’m trying a new dance class. tomorrow i’m maybe going to buy more plums.
i forget, you know? it’s not some bone-deep strength or some magical power. it’s that some part of me knows - i need to stay. in all of this; out of all of this - i just want to choose love.